Weight Loss

I tend to be a negative Nancy about my weight loss. After all that I have accomplished in life, losing weight has not been one of them.

Food has ALWAYS been my friend it seems. I've read that people tend to relate food with happiness or a happy time in life when food was present. For me, I remember living across the yard from my grandmother. I would always walk over and that was my happy place.

What's at grandma's house? FOOD! GOOD FOOD! I would ALWAYS have some kind of food in my hand the whole time I was at her house. She would cook up good southern suppers and even if it came straight out of the box, she gave it a special touch that made it wonderful!

When I have a bad day, I eat. When I have a good day, I eat. When a day is just simply a day, I eat. I will eat just to be eating simply because I don't want an empty feeling in my stomach.

Each time I start back on program and start losing weight, I always remind myself how I feel now. I feel horrible and bloated, my feet are swollen and it scares me. Each day I tell myself I will start over new, I don't. My weight is the one thing I hold on to and frankly, it scares me to lose weight, no clue why.

I quit because I focus more on how long it's taking and so I say forget it. I'm a very impatient person, if you could not tell. It was not put on over night and will not go away over night either though.

I believe it all boils down to, I don't believe I deserve it? Well, we all know that no one deserves death. That's where this is going if I don't change, I weigh 319.1 lbs - that's horrible. Can it be fixed? Yes! Each time I start I feel really motivated and then it goes away. I get tired of the same ole foods that I eat, yet I can't seem to find anything new to make.

All of this is excuses really, I know what has to be done and it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I think reading about certain things throws me off track. So and so does this at the gym, so and so eats this. I just need to focus on myself and not pay attention to what others do. So and so lost this and now does this, well so and so didn't start directly doing crossfit at 300lbs, they worked up to it. Or down to it? Losing weight, get it? *snickers* I crack myself up... Oh.. SNICKERS! NO NICCI! NO!

I've thought about not even saying when I get back on track, maybe that will help me stay on track? Nope, did not work.

By the way, when I write blogs I'm not trying to complain or throw a pity party for myself, I'm just letting my heart flow out on the net. Things that are on my mind will not go away will find themselves here. =)

Anywho, my mind has to stay in the game. Think think think before you eat! First week or two is always the worse until I get into the routine of it all, I'm very much so a routine person. I don't like random things to happen, I'm very structured. Some may look and call my life boring, but I still have fun. Only if it's planned fun. ;)

This time around, I'm sticking to myfitnesspal. I was doing weight watchers, but it's crazy that myfitnesspal is free and is basically the same as WW, you are only counting calories instead of points. What stinks about calories is you have to track fruits and all, WW you do not. I'm not going to bash WW though, I've learned oh so much from it, it's a great program.

Flip flopping it some thing I don't want to keep on doing. I go back and forth between WW and myfitnesspal, this time I'm picking one and staying with it.

It's crazy how knowing that death is just around the corner if I don't change, but it's not enough to scare me. I read articles all the time about certain things and the difference between and 300lb person and a 130lb person and etc.

I can't sit around and wait for death any long,er some thing has to be done. I'm going to make small goals each day of what I need completed in order to feel like I've accomplished some thing. For example, count all calories and go for a 30 min walk. I figure each week I will add some thing new. I prefer going outside to workout than instead. Since it's raining today though, I'll probably do a 5 mile walk inside with Leslie Sansone. Or I may just say forget it and go walk in the rain.. No one would be at the park, eh?

Lord help me keep this thing updated. I've always loved blogging, almost therapy even. I also need to keep up with my weight loss videos on youtube. What I don't do on YT, I'll do on here. Some times I just don't feel like making a video. I can type this up naked if I want to, IN FACT... I AM RIGHT NOW! Oh, just kidding. OR AM I!?!?!?!? BAHAHAHA!

Now that I've given you an ungodly image to remember for the rest of your life, I shall go.

Until next time! =)